the call came mid-afternoon, not necessarily surprising me, but definitely not what i’d wanted to hear. she broke the rules again, and this time, there was no second chance. she decided to stay out all night the night before, and she got caught. she had less than 8 hours to be out.
what was i supposed to say? i sat there, listening to her sob on the phone, knowing full well that she’d asked for this. knowing that we’d warned her, knowing that she’d already been given a second chance where she lived. she begged me to let her come home, saying that we can trust her now. oh really? we can trust her? i found it pretty ironic that she could say that after she just violated the rules where she was at, after she’d lied to and deceived her case worker the whole 3 months that she lived there. but that’s how she works….the rules don’t apply to her.
it broke my heart to adamantly tell her that she can’t come home, that we can’t trust her, and that she asked for this. she knew i was right and she didn’t argue. she just sobbed.
my brother-in-law dropped her off at a shelter later that night.
a parent never imagines her child being homeless or having to tell her that she can’t come home. it’s devastating, believe me. i could barely sleep that night, imagining what’s happening to her or what type of people she’s befriending in the shelter.
she managed to make a “friend” who knew the ropes, and she followed him from the night shelter to the day shelter the next day. they walked, they rode the bus, and they hung out in restaurants trying to keep warm until the next evening shelter opened up.
she called often, filling me in on her status, and enjoying the new friend who seemed to take her under his wing.
on her second night of being homeless she was “rescued”.
she’s landed safe once again.
she’s settled in where she’s at and, in her own words “she has moved on with her life”.
must be nice that she’s moved on.
i’m glad she’s safe and she’s in a family situation that seems healthy for her.
but what about us? what about the brokenness that is still very real and painful in the hearts of her father and i? what about her younger siblings who can’t comprehend why she left in the first place? all they know is that she claims to love and aodre them, yet all she does is hurt them.
i’ve forgiven her, i really have. but i’m not like her. i can’t hurt those i love, over and over again, and expect them to just forgive and forget and move on until the next time i hurt them. it’s been almost 14 months since the day she first walked out and we’ve been to hell and back numerous times since.
i know God’s in this. i know he is good and i trust him.
but i long for and ache for a real relationship with my daughter. i’m tired of the superficial “relationship” that we have with her. i’m tired of pretending that things are sweet between us, and saying what she wants to hear. i’m her mom, yet i feel as though we’re strangers.